“Don’t look into mirrors, look into people’s eyes. After a certain age, mirrors lie”. “How?” “They give the bare facts all right, but they leave out all the poetry.”
This dialogue was taken from a piece of fiction by May Sarton.
Sooner or later the aging woman realizes that looks were part of her personal power in the world and begins an exploration in order to come to terms with this fact. Self-reflection reveals qualities that have the potential of equal impact. This week Sage Magazine, a local periodical for women, is exploring the price we pay for our toxic cultural model - the impossible standard of physical perfection. I know I sound like a broken record – I do even to myself – but unless we recognize the expectations that exist in the culture, we think the angst is ours alone. This is step one. Sage editor, Carolyn Flynn, said it well, “There is a power greater than beauty.” This knowledge is step two.
Aging brings us face to face with these cultural messages and makes sure we begin the process of defining ourselves by what is on the inside. An older woman (or any woman) who is self-possessed is luminous. The poetry that is hers alone, her talents, grace and passion radiate from her being.
One stone that has been left unturned in my exploration of aging is the relationship to my sexuality. My partner and I are exploring the consequences and challenges that aging brings to a long-term relationship. Mysterious forces have upset all the known elements of our intimate life. This area of my life has tutored me in an extraordinary way. Where but in the bedroom are you more vulnerable? Here I must find a new way to hold my body, to show myself compassion - this is acceptance at its most courageous.
I saw a television show this week where women were admitting that the biggest sexual turn on for them was to feel desired. For many, this single aspect of sexuality was more important then whether they have an orgasm. I have known for a long time that this element was central to my feminine sense of self. I have always felt as a feminist I should question this feeling. It is, after all, a passive wish to simply be wanted. But the TV show went deep into scientific research as to the chemical nature of passion - the chemistry behind sexual desire that is based on testosterone and estrogen levels. The dynamics that shape our sexual responses are thousands of years old and have developed to insure that our species continues. So where does that leave the aging couple that still have the body memory of desires felt and fulfilled? I know for sure the book must be rewritten on sex and the aging body. I wish someone would write it! Meanwhile, I am asking for your opinions, insights and experiences.
I will not be writing my blog again until after my ceremony/celebration. I need the time to be with myself and see if there is any further work I need to do to prepare myself to cross to the other side – into my third phase of life. I also need time to plan and write the ceremony itself. When I return I will share the feelings evoked from honoring this life passage and myself.
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